To Punish Thyself
by PicnicFanficnicAardvark
Summary: '...all Jesse wanted to do was run away and hide. The guilt alone was enough to destroy him...'
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Diagnosis Murder, or any of it's characters.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1.<strong>

Dr Mark Sloan opened his eyes and sat up wearily in his bed, he scanned the almost pitch black room trying to work out where the incessant knocking sound was coming from, once he was alert he realised that it was obviously coming from the front door.

With a sigh, Mark climbed gingerly out of bed and put on his dressing gown, "I'm coming!" He shouted, unable to keep the irritation out of his voice, his swollen ankle hurt each time he put pressure onto it; he'd been off work for almost a week due to a roller skating accident. He looked back at the clock radio on his dressing table, "2:30am, Steve's home early." Mark could have sworn his son, Lieutenant Steve Sloan said his shift ended at 6am.

When he finally opened the door he was surprised to find Dr Jesse Travis, soaked to the skin and struggling to stay upright, "Hey Mark, it's raining...why aren't you wet?" He slurred, falling into Marks arms.

"Jesse, are you drunk?" If the question hadn't been rhetorical, the stench of alcohol coming off the young Doctor would have answered it, "You need to get changed, you're soaked." Mark helped the younger man inside and sat him down on the couch, then went into Steve's room and got his 'house guest' a pair of Steve's jeans and one of his t-shirts.

Mark rolled his eye's when he heard snoring coming from the couch, he dropped the clothes on top of Jesse, who's eye's shot open, "Get changed." The older mans tone left no room for debate. As Jesse sat up, Mark left the room, returning a few minutes later, carrying a pile of blankets and passing them to the young Doctor, who was now wearing dry clothing, "These should warm you up, we'll talk about this in the morning." And with that, he went back to his own room.

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><p>The next morning Mark got grumpily out of bed, he certainly hadn't had a good nights sleep, but he'd been woken up so many times through the night with Jesse turning up at his front door drunk, then Steve waking him up to ask why Jesse was asleep on their couch, and then finally hearing Steve going out again, no more than thirty minutes after getting home from work, that he knew trying to catch any more 'Z's' would be pointless.<p>

After taking a quick glance over at Jesse, who was sleeping soundly on the couch, Mark went into the kitchen to make some breakfast, "I'm glad 'someone' managed to get a good nights sleep." Mark muttered.

Once he'd almost finished eating his breakfast he heard a loud groan, apparently the young Doctor was awake, and suffering with a hangover by the sounds of it. With a sigh Mark got some orange juice out of the refrigerator and poured it into a glass.

"Here, drink this." Mark said as he walked out of the kitchen, frowning when instead of being on the couch, the young Doctor was over at the far side of the room, shaking, and sat in a fetal position, "Jesse, what's wrong?" Mark asked in concern, going over to the younger man and putting his hand on Jesse's shoulder, "Has something happened?" He knew something was wrong the moment Jesse had turned up drunk, he just hadn't realised that it was 'so' bad, "Jesse?"

"I killed her Mark," Jesse cried out in despair, "I killed that little girl."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2.**

The previous day Dr Amanda Bentley had found Jesse sprawled out, fast asleep on a chair in the Doctors Lounge; with Mark being off work and a bug going around, the young Doctor seemed to have been covering for everyone of late. The pathologist told him to go home and get some rest, an order that left no room for defiance. On his way home Jesse had been involved in an accident, a young girl, Harriette James, seemed to appear out of nowhere, giving Jesse no time to react and prevent his car from colliding with the 9 year old. Eyewitnesses said the girl had run straight into the road without looking, but the child's Mother accused Jesse of falling asleep behind the wheel, an accusation which was yet to be determined considering all eyewitness accounts had stated that from where Harriette's Mother had been standing, there was no way she could have seen the young Doctor. Obviously Jesse ignored all eyewitness accounts and took the Mothers accusation as being correct; he didn't remember falling asleep, but everything happened so quickly that he couldn't be sure, and in his eye's, that uncertainty meant that Mrs James was right.

Other than shock and a fractured tibia Harriette was fine, but they wanted to keep the young girl in over night for observation. Once they found out the little girl was going to be OK, Amanda drove Jesse to his apartment and offered to stay with him for a while, but the young Doctor declined the offer, telling her he'd be fine. She wasn't convinced, but she left anyway so he could get some rest.

After Amanda had gone Jesse went straight to bed, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, something he was sure he wouldn't be able to do after what had happened. The young Doctor awoke a few hours later, at around 8:45pm. The first thing he did was phone the Hospital to ask how Harriette James was doing, the reply from whichever Nurse answered was not what he was expecting; she told him the girl had died just under an hour earlier.

He'd dropped the retriever on hearing the news, the caring young Doctor had never felt a hatred so strong as the hatred he now felt for himself. In that one moment all Jesse wanted to do was run away and hide. The guilt alone was enough to destroy him.

The next thing Jesse knew, he was stood at a bar, ordering his first of many drinks to come.

"Jesse, all five patient IV's were tampered with, including Harriette James', none of the patients are connected in anyway from what we can find, so it just seems like a random attack, the killer probably didn't even know which patients the IV's were going too," Steve tried to reassure the shaken young Doctor, who was now sat on the couch again, "Jess, this isn't your fault."

Jesse's eye's met Steve's, "If I hadn't fallen asleep, she wouldn't have been at Community General. That makes it my fault."

"Jess, there's no proof you even fell asleep at the wheel; you can't remember, and Harriette's Mom admitted that she didn't get a good look at you. All eyewitnesses state that Harriette James ran straight in front of your car, and when the two uniformed Officers took you down to the Station yesterday, they reported it as being an accident." Steve, who was sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch, reached over and squeezed Jesse's shoulder, "You didn't react in time, because there was no time to react."

Mark walked back into the room, holding a phone, "That was Amanda, a second patient has died, that's two deaths and three criticals."

Steve turned his attention to his Father, "What about an antidote?"

"We won't know anything until all the toxins have been identified," Mark answered solemnly, "And by then, it could be too late."

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><p>For Jesse, most of the day was a blur, as the moment his car hit the 9 year old girl played like a loop in his mind, it felt more gut wrenching each time he saw it. Worst of all he was receiving no punishment for what he'd done, instead, Mark and Steve were just 'making up' excuses for him. He hadn't eaten anything all day, and just like Mark suspected, it wasn't just because of his hangover; truth was, his own self-repulsion was enough to put him off food for good.<p>

"Hey Honey, how are you holding up?" Amanda asked, as she wrapped Jesse up in a great big hug. She'd been worried about him from the moment she'd heard that he knew about Harriet James' death, and by the looks of it, she was right to have been. The young Doctor seemed so uncharacteristically listless, and his usual bright blue eye's looked dull; almost empty in fact.

"He blames himself." Steve informed her, a hint of frustration and defeat in his voice.

"Jesse, don't be ridiculous!" Amanda scolded, "None of this is your fault, you hear me?"

Jesse heard her alright, but her words meant as little as those coming from Mark and Steve; none of them understood, and he knew he couldn't expect them to. Being a Doctor, there had been times when he was unable to save a child's life, and that was heartbreaking enough, but to actually be the cause of a child's death, that had torn his heart apart, leaving him with a deep despair, impossible to describe.

"I think I need some fresh air." The young Doctor said quietly, standing up and walking out onto the balcony. As he looked down at the baggy clothing, he was reminded of another disgraceful act that was going unpunished. He leaned over the balcony and looked down at the soft sand below; for the first time, being in an house on the beach seemed like the most impractical of places.

"You're not planning on jumping, are you Jesse?" Mark teased cautiously.

Jesse quickly straightened himself up, "I hate hangovers." He muttered in response.

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><p>"Has he eaten anything yet?" Was the first thing Steve said to his Father when he walked in the following evening. He had asked Jesse to stop at the Beach House for a couple of days to keep his Dad company; although that was just a ploy to get the younger man to stay, as neither Steve, nor his Father, liked the idea of their friend being alone right now.<p>

""He took a bite or two out of the sandwich I made him earlier." Mark stopped stirring the bolognese sauce to pour Steve a cup of coffee.

"I guess it wasn't just the hangover then." Although he tried, Steve was unable to keep the worry out of his voice, "It looks like getting him to stay was a good idea after all."

Jesse listened from the couch as the two of them talked in the kitchen, he hated that they sounded so worried, especially since he knew he wasn't worth their concern. It seemed 'funny' to Jesse, how he could think up so many reasons why everyone would be better off without him, but he couldn't come up with a single reason on the contrary.

"Oh, you're awake." The young Doctor jumped at the sound of Steve's voice behind him, "My Dad's dishing out the spaghetti bolognese, it smells good too."

Jesse stood up and quietly trudged behind his friend, following him into the kitchen. He sat down unenthusiastically at the table, the worried glances that Mark and Steve were giving each other from across the table not going unnoticed; with a heavy sigh the young Doctor picked up his fork and started to play with the food on his plate, only bothering to put some of it into his mouth to lessen the stares that were threatening to burn a hole right through him.

"So, what do you guys think?" Mark broke the silence, "Do you like it? I'm trying out a new recipe."

"Well, it's certainly an improvement on that new lasagna recipe you came up with last month." Steve smirked.

"You're really not gonna let me live that one down, are you?" Mark gave a wry smile, then turned to their unusually quiet guest, "How about you Jesse?"

"I..." As two sets of eye's fell on him, Jesse knew he had to get out of there, "I'm gonna call it a night." He got up and pushed his chair under the table, "I think I might be coming down with that bug," He called back, as he made his hasty retreat to the Sloan's guest bedroom, "Sorry, about dinner..."

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><p>Jesse sat up in bed, unable to sleep for a second night in a row, he pulled the bedclothes off himself, revealing the same t-shirt and jeans he'd changed into when he turned up drunk. Steve had gone to Jesse's apartment to bring him a bag of clothing, but the young Doctor hadn't even bothered to open the bag; the effort it would take to get dressed just seemed too much for the young Doctor.<p>

He stood up and walked sluggishly out of the dark guest room. For several moments he just stood in the middle of the living room, staring out at the night sky; before he knew it he was walking out onto the balcony, and down the stairs, across the soft sandy beach. Next thing he knew, he was stood knee-deep in the ocean, unfazed by splashing waves hitting onto his face.

A small smile appeared on Jesse's face, as the waves started to get dangerously high; suddenly drowning didn't seem like the worst thing in the world, in fact, it excited him a little. As the whole world stood still, he wondered if this was the punishment he'd been waiting for.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3.**

"...Jesse!"

Jesse blinked in sheer confusion as two strong arms embraced him, and started pulling him to shore. His feeling of calm being torn away from him; he looked around to see who was responsible, "Steve?"

"Jess, what the hell were you doing out there?" The Lieutenant demanded when they were both safely out of the water.

The younger mans body shook violently, as the shock and cold took hold. He looked up at his friend, "I..."

Steve put his arm around Jesse's shaking shoulders and started to lead him towards the Beach House, where Mark was waiting with a blanket. As he looked back at the ocean, he couldn't help but feel a little shaky himself. Finding the younger mans bed empty, and the door going out to the balcony open had made him fear the worse, and then seeing his friend stood motionless in the water, either not noticing, or not caring that the waves were so high, had turned that 'fear' into a nightmare.

"Jess, you weren't..." Steve couldn't even bring himself to say the words, "...were you?" But after the blank stare his friend gave him, he was beginning to think he might have to, "It's just, when I saw you stood in the water like that, I..."

Seeing the anguish on his friends face, Jesse suddenly found himself on the same page; it amazed him how the three of them all cared so much. Had he really just done that? Without even saying goodbye to his friends? The young Doctor quickly shook his head in response, "I couldn't sleep...figured the sea air might help." It wasn't really a lie, but more of a tainted truth; that's the way Jesse looked at it anyway. There was no way he could tell Steve the whole truth, not after seeing him like that. Jesse realised he was being selfish; killing himself would have just stopped his own pain, that was no punishment at all, in fact, the only people that would have been punished were his friends.

"Most people walk 'along' the beach to do that."

"I'm not most people." Came the meek reply.

Steve couldn't help but laugh at that, "I can't disagree with you there Jess."

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><p>There was no way Mark and Steve were going to leave Jesse alone after what had just happened; so Jesse spent the rest of the night on the couch, nestled between his friends, as the two of them discussed the case.<p>

Along with 9 year old Harriette James; 64 year old Albert Martin, 41 year old Rich Nicolas, 22 year old Felicity Arnolds and 12 year old Scott Davis had been given tampered IV's, and all, except Rich Nicolas, had died. There was no age or gender pattern, none of them knew each other, nor had they ever lived in the same area, and they were all in the Hospital for different reasons.

As far as Mark was concerned, the lack of connection meant the killer was out to either 'destroy' someone; with the obvious first choice being Jesse, but other than Harriette James, the young Doctor hadn't been involved with any of the other four patients; or ruin the reputation the Hospital.

"Why aren't I being punished for anything?"

"Punished?" Steve was momentarily taken aback by the sudden change of discussion, "Jess, we've been through this. What happened to Harriette James was not your fault, there's no reason for you to be punished."

"OK then, what about turning up drunk, don't I get punished for that?"

Mark looked at him in bemusement, "Jesse, you're a grown man..."

Steve snorted at that, and the two of them shot him a look, "I guess you're right Mark, but you said we'd 'talk about it in the morning' and we never did," Jesse sighed, "plus, I disturbed you in the middle of the night too, that wasn't very thoughtful of me, and..."

"When I said we'd talk, I meant about whatever was bothering you," Mark thought his friend already knew that, "and, as for you turning up here drunk, I'm glad you did. You were too upset to be alone."

After both his reasoning's for punishment were shot down, Jesse went back to merely sitting quietly, as his friends discussed the case.

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><p>"Do you think he's depressed?" Amanda asked Mark over coffee, as the two of them sat talking out on the deck, whilst Jesse was finally having a sleep.<p>

"He is showing classic signs of depression," Mark answered, "I just hope he really was just getting some fresh air last night."

"And if he wasn't?"

"Then we need to be there for him, he has to know he isn't alone." Marks eye's were now full of determination, "We can't let this defeat him, we have to get Jesse through this!"

"I hear you Mark, but how?" Amanda looked in the general direction of the guest room that their younger friend was sleeping in, "He seems defeated already."

Any answer to that question was cut short by the appearance of Steve, coming up the stairs of the deck; Mark knew his son must've had a break in his case, simply because the first thing that came out of his mouth wasn't about Jesse.

It just so happened that after a rise in fatalities at a rival Hospital, it's sponsor had recently ceased all donations, and had chosen to donate his money to Community General instead. The likelihood that the Administrator, Frank Tringdle, was involved, seemed high, especially since the whole thing had left him holding onto his job by a thread, and had his reputation in shatters.

"What's up I wasn't invited to this party?" All eye's were suddenly on Jesse, as the young Doctor walked out onto the deck, "Oh, hey Amanda, how long have you been here?"

"About an hour or so." Amanda studied her friend, surprised at how 'normal' he was acting; too normal in fact, "Sweetie, are you OK?"

"Am I 'OK'?" _No._ "Amanda, this is the best I've felt in almost a week!" _That was true, although it wasn't exactly difficult._ "I guess a nice long sleep is all that I needed." _Could four hours sleep really be considered 'long'?_

Not to Mark it couldn't; Like Amanda, he just wasn't buying it, and by the skeptical look on Steve's face, neither was his son.

Jesse felt his façade suddenly crack, his great idea to lessen his friends concerns, by acting like his old self, suddenly didn't feel so 'great, and he found himself becoming strangely annoyed, "I thought you would have wanted me to be happy, but I guess I was wrong!" He spat, "Some friends you are..." With that he turned on his heel and stormed back inside to the guest room, slamming the door behind him, "Why?" He sobbed uncontrollably, "That's not what I meant to say! Why did I say that?"

"Jesse, talk to us..."

"Leave me alone!" He couldn't face his friends now, he couldn't let them see him like this.

"Honey, Marks right..."

"Jess, we just wanna help you..."

He needed to get out of there, he needed to be punished.

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><p>"Dad, secret sauces aren't very secretive, if you go around telling everybody what's in them." Steve chaffed, as he and Amanda set the table.<p>

Mark was making spaghetti bolognese for a second night in a row; he wanted to let Amanda try it out, "Hey, I haven't told Amanda all the ingredients."

"I think she can figure the tomato out for herself..."

Mark feigned a disgruntled look, "Just go and tell Jesse that dinners ready," Marks frown was real this time, "see if he's ready to come out yet."

Steve did just that, making his way to the guest bedroom as Mark and Amanda finished up in the kitchen. After shouting his friends name several times and failing to get a reply, he decided to enter the room.

"Jesse isn't in his room." Steve informed the two of them, "I have no idea where he is."

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><p>Jesse could feel the metallic taste in his mouth, as he was hit square in the jaw. Pain this great had never felt so satisfying as the man, who looked more than double Jesse's size, lay into him. For Jesse, each punch was symbolic of something he needed to be punished for.<p>

Sneaking out of his friends Beach House had been surprisingly easy, as his thirst for punishment gnawed inside of him. At first, Jesse really didn't know what to do with himself, and just aimlessly walked around LA. When he had bumped into the man, who was now beating him to a pulp, Jesse's first instinct was to apologise, but after seeing the muscular, early fifties year old man, the young Doctor thought he might be in 'luck', and instead had told him to, 'Watch where you're going, jerk!'

After that, the guy had dragged Jesse into a alley, and the rest was history. At first, Jesse had felt victorious, as he finally felt as though he was being punished; but as he found it more and more difficult to remain conscious, he began to wonder if the guy would ever stop. Suddenly the young Doctor didn't feel so 'lucky', as the panic set in; he remembered the last things he'd said to his friends, and how they'd been so untrue and uncalled for. Jesse knew he had to get out of there, he needed to tell his friends how he really felt, but no matter how much he pleaded, the man just wouldn't stop.

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><p>The three of them had looked high and low for Jesse, but to no avail, the young Doctor just didn't 'appear' to be anywhere, and the three of them, who were now back at the Beach House, standing in the guest bedroom, trying to come up with other places their younger friend might be, were beginning to feel more and more worried.<p>

Mark had searched the beach for him; and although his ankle was healing nicely, walking on it for a long time still caused twinges of pain, but that didn't deter Mark, as he rushed around, asking everybody he could if they'd seen Jesse. Unfortunately, none of the people he'd asked could even remember seeing the young Doctor. Steve had gone straight to his friends apartment, and when he wasn't there he'd drove around LA, mostly looking in bars and the like; he'd even managed to 'pull a few strings' back at the Station, and had a few Officers who 'owed him a favour' helping in the search for Jesse. Amanda had checked the Hospital, but there was no sign of him there either.

When Steve's pager went off, Mark and Amanda watched the back of the Lieutenant intently as he took the call. When Steve hung up, he turned round to them, looking noticeably pale, "A dead bodies' been found...Dad, they said it matches Jesse's description..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4.**

The journey to the crime scene was a tense and silent one, as father and son were tormented with feelings of dread, anguish and guilt, as they struggled to come to terms with the possibility that their friend could have taken his own life. As for Amanda, she was getting ready to perform one of the most difficult autopsies of her career. There were a lot of 'what if's' and 'maybe's' going through their minds, but no matter how much Mark, Steve, and Amanda, beat themselves up about it, nothing changed the fact, that if Jesse was dead, it wouldn't bring him back.

Steve pulled up at the crime scene, the thought of actually getting out of the vehicle scared him. At least inside his car, he had the comfort of having at least a tiny shred of hope; out there he would have to face the truth, and with the truth seeming so grim, the longer he could stay in the car, the better. Mark placed a hand on his sons arm, and the two of them exchanged a pain-filled, yet determined look; whatever horrors awaited them outside, they knew that they had each other, and that gave them the courage to do what had to be done.

Steve lead the way, holding up his badge and ordering the crowd to move aside, swallowing hard and hesitating as he reached the yellow tape. One of the Officers gave the Lieutenant a sympathetic look as he held up the tape to let him through. Steve looked down at the small, sprawled out body and knelt down to take a closer look.

When Mark reached the tape, he sucked in an horrific gasp as he saw the back of his sons visibly shaking form. No, it couldn't be true, Jesse couldn't be dead, he just couldn't! Mark shook his head, as though doing so would alter the painful reality of his friends demise. As his son slowly turned to face him, Mark's pain stricken face turned to one of confusion; Steve was laughing.

"S'not him!" Came Steve's relieved voice, "Dad, it's not Jesse." Before Mark had a chance to respond, Steve's Cell rang; recognising the caller ID immediately, Steve flipped it open and tried to compose himself, "Amanda, it's not Jesse."

"I know."

"Wait. How...?"

"Because he's just been wheeled into Community General."

Steve's relief turned into dread once more, "How bad?"

"He's pretty beaten up, but he'll be fine." Amanda assured him, "I've been told it looks worse than it is."

"Good, because I'm gonna kill him!"

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><p>The most severe injuries Jesse had sustained in the attack were bruised ribs, a mild concussion and a black eye; he was lucky that Detective Emily Manning had drove by when she did, or his injuries could have been much worse. When she'd stopped the attack and detained Jesse's attacker, Frank Matthews, Jesse was already unconscious.<p>

Frank Matthews had been in trouble with the Police several times before for domestic violence, although the charges were dropped each time, due to his wife, Silvia Matthews, refusing to press charges. Despite her injuries matching those of a beating, Silvia Matthews had insisted that she was merely 'clumsy around the house', and although the Police didn't believe her story for a second, there was little they could do about it; something that wasn't uncommon with that type of circumstance, which always frustrated the Police immensely.

This time it hadn't been his wife he'd beat up, but a passer-by, which meant he could now receive 'some' of the punishment he so rightly deserved, and with a Police witness, there was no way Frank Matthews could get away with this, all they needed was for Jesse to testify.

"No." Jesse tried to move his jaw as little as possible as he spoke, his whole face was in pain, "I can't, I'm sorry."

Steve, who was the only other person in the room frowned, and sat at the edge of his friends bed, "Jess, I know you're scared, but I promise you, that low life will not lay a finger on you again," Steve put his hand on Jesse's shoulder, "you have my word."

"I'm not scared."

"Then what is it?" When Jesse avoided eye contact, Steve pushed him further, "Jesse, why won't you testify?"

"Because he didn't cause the attack, I did."

Steve let out a heavy, frustrated sigh, "First Harriette James' murder, and now this; Jess, you can't keep blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault, and you can't let this guy get away with it."

"But it was my fault Steve, I goaded him so he'd hit me," The young Doctor admitted, "it just didn't occur to me that he might never stop."

"Why?" Steve took his hand off his friends shoulder, "Please don't tell me it's because of this whole punishment obsession of yours."

"It's not an obsession!" Jesse protested indignantly.

"Call it what you want Jess, there's still no way the injuries Frank Matthews inflicted on you were justified, is there?" When Jesse didn't answer, Steve decided to tackle this from a different angle, "OK then, let me ask you this, if you were the one being goaded, and you reacted in the exact same way that guy did, you'd think that was justified?"

"I don't wanna testify!" Jesse snapped; the young Doctor was in considerable pain, he was finding it hard to concentrate, and keeping up with their current conversation was proving increasingly difficult, "Why can't you just let it go?"

"Matthews hurt you, and you expect me to just let this go?"

"But if I hadn't goaded him, none of this would have happened!" The young Doctor insisted, "I'm not gonna blame that guy, for something I caused!"

"You won't help to punish a guy who would have very likely killed you, yet you want to be punished for something you weren't even involved in, and had no control over." Steve shook his head, his words tinged with frustration, "Can't you see how little sense that makes?"

"The only one who's making no sense here is you!" The more they talked, the more Jesse's head hurt.

"Jess, I'm just trying to help."

"I know, and I appreciate that," Just breathing was painful enough, and talking really wasn't helping, "but I feel responsible for Harriette James' death, and no matter how much you tell me I'm not to blame, it's not gonna help me, or change the way I feel!" Jesse didn't know why he was bothering, he knew trying to explain this was pointless, "That's why I wanted that guy to hurt me, so I'd feel as though I was getting at least some sort of punishment."

"And did it help?"

Jesse frowned, "No."

"So what now? You're just gonna carry on finding more ways to punish yourself." When Jesse merely nodded, Steve let out a frustrated sigh; it was hard to sit back and watch why his friends life was being ruined by his own unjustly desire for punishment, "Jesse, no one can compete with the amount of punishment you've been inflicting on yourself, why can't you see that?"

"You don't understand!" Jesse lashed out suddenly, "You'll never understand!"

"You're right! I don't understand," Steve shot back, "how can I? When you're an illogical mess!" The look of pain on Jesse's face had Steve instantly regretting what he'd just said, "Jess, I'm sorry, I should go." With that, the Lieutenant made an hasty retreat, downhearted by the fact that his attempts to help his friend, had only succeeded to make matters worse.

"Steve, what's wrong?" Mark asked, as his son rushed past, but neither he, nor Amanda, could make out the Lieutenant's muttered response. The two of them gave each other a concerned look, before proceeding to Jesse's room, "Jesse, what happened?" Mark frowned when the young Doctor turned away, no matter how much he wanted answers, he knew they'd have to wait, Jesse was obviously exhausted, and pushing his friend right now wouldn't help, the young Doctor needed to rest.

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><p>Mark cringed, "An 'illogical mess'?"<p>

Back at the Beach House, Steve had been telling his father, in great detail, what had happened at the Hospital. Like his son, Mark was unhappy that Jesse was refusing to testify; the possibility that their friends attacker could go free, was something neither of them wanted, but it was Jesse's choice to make, and Mark knew they had to respect his decision.

"I know, I know," Steve sighed, "I wasn't even thinking, and now, on top of everything else that's happened to him, I've made him feel worse."

Mark gave his son a reassuring smile, "I'm sure Jesse knows you didn't mean it."

"Dad, you didn't see the look on his face."

"Steve, Jesse's vulnerable right now," Mark put his hand on his sons shoulder, then took on a more carefree tone, "and you know Jesse, once this is all over, he'll probably never let you live that comment down."

Steve gave a wry smile, "Oh yeah, I didn't think about that. Although the chances of this ever being over is seeming less and less likely; there's just nothing going our way."

"I wouldn't say, 'nothing'," An emotional smile spread across Marks face, "Jesse's still alive, isn't he?"

"Yeah, he is." Steve agreed, a look of despair suddenly appearing in the Lieutenants eyes, "So why does it feel as though we've lost him anyway?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5.**

The truth often hurt, and being called an 'illogical mess' by his friend was no exception; Jesse knew Steve was right, he wasn't even making much sense to himself, in fact, making sense of anything lately felt like a challenge. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed, or worn a genuine smile even; it was like his negative emotions had picked a fight with his positive ones and won, and worse of all, because of this he was hurting his friends, and that was the last thing Jesse wanted.

Jesse stared up at the ceiling, he hated being a patient in Hospital, especially when he was fairly certain that being there was unnecessary; it was mid-afternoon now, he'd already been kept in overnight, and the young Doctor was sure he'd been observed enough. Mark just wanted to keep an eye on him, Jesse was sure of it, not that he could blame him, but he couldn't stand the thought of taking up a bed that could be used by a patient who actually needed it.

Although his body protested, the young Doctor got gingerly out of bed and started to put on his crumpled and torn clothes. However, by the time he was all set to venture forth from his Hospital room, he realised that all he really felt like doing was crawling back into bed, but he knew that this was probably going to be the best, and only opportunity he'd have to make his escape; as far as he was aware, Steve hadn't set foot in the Hospital since their 'heated discussion', Mark had gone home for a couple of hours, presumably to find out what had happened between the two of them, and Amanda would still be in Autopsy.

He opened the door and headed to the Nurses Station, there was no way he was going to walk out of Community General, without letting some one know where he was going, he didn't want to make his friends suffer anymore than they already had. The stern look he received from Nurse Bernard, a middle-aged woman, with short burgundy hair, as he approached, had Jesse feeling like a teenager whose parents had just caught sneaking out of the house.

"And where do you think you're going, Dr Travis?"

She appeared to be playing the part too, Jesse noted, "Home." Came the brusque reply.

"You can't go home yet," The Nurse protested, "Dr Sloan hasn't..."

"I'm checking myself out." He interrupted, his voice sounded uncharacteristically aloof.

"But..."

"Who's the Doctor here, me or you?" Jesse snapped, every moment he wasted on trying to leave the Hospital, was one moment closer to one of his friends coming by and catching him, "My injuries aren't life threatening, my scans have all come back normal, and I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself...Now will you just pass me the paperwork already so I can leave?"

Nurse Bernard's stern look had now turned in to an indignant scowl, as she handed him the appropriate paperwork.

"Thank you." The young Doctor signed the form as best as he could, despite the words blurring and moving.

The Nurse raised an eyebrow when he passed her the form, his struggles not going unnoticed, "Dr Sloan is not going to be happy about this."

Jesse tried to give her a look that marked his authority, but instead he looked more like a sulking child, and his attempt at storming out of the Hospital was hindered greatly by the pain from his injuries; in fact he just appeared to be unsteady on his feet.

As the Hospital doors closed behind him, and he took in his first pain-filled breath of fresh hair, one thing entered Jesse's mind, 'Who's the Doctor here, me or you?' The young Doctor closed his eyes tight and cringed, "Did I really just say that?" He looked at the ground, urging it to swallow him whole. Even in such a short amount of time, half of the staff at Community General would have probably caught wind of what he'd said; by now the Nurses were most likely gathering in numbers, with torches and pitch forks in their hands.

Jesse shuddered and started to make his way slowly to the main road; without a car he'd either have to wait for a cab, or get the bus, "Dammit!" He cursed when he realised his wallet was at the Sloan's Beach House. The young Doctor looked back at the Hospital, knowing that there'd probably be some money in his locker, enough to pay for a cab or a bus ride at least. As he thought about going back in there and grabbing his change, images of the angry Nurse mob charging menacingly towards him, entered his mind. After his initial surge of apprehension, Jesse wondered if this could be the punishment he'd been yearning for, but after a few seconds of consideration he decided that doing so would only prove Steve's 'punishment obsession' analogy to be right.

The young Doctor stood on the side-walk for the longest of moments, not really knowing what to do; as the pain from his various ailments intensified, Jesse couldn't help but wonder whether he'd been right about the reason behind Marks decision to keep him admitted; after all, it wasn't like his Mentor had been keeping an eye on him first hand.

That didn't matter now, there was no way he could go back in there, not after insulting Nurse Bernard. Trying to come up with a way to get home, when his head felt like it was being trampled on, was difficult, and really quite exhausting. After a while, Jesse decided that his best course of action would be to walk to the Beach House, sneak in, grab his wallet and get a cab home. If Mark could travel to and from work on his roller-skates, Jesse could see no reason why he couldn't do the same, but on foot.

* * *

><p>Mark put down the phone, and walked over to Steve in the living room, "That was Amanda, she said there were no signs of a struggle, Daniel Simons committed suicide."<p>

"Well, at least that's one less investigation I'll have to worry about."

"Still no luck with the case?" Mark knew his son hadn't meant to come across as insensitive, it was the frustration of the case, and the happenings of the past few days that were getting to him.

Steve shook his head, "I know it's Tringdle, but we can't find any substantial evidence, and without it, the only way we're gonna get him is if we push for a confession."

"Have you considered the possibility that he may not have acted alone?"

"Yeah, we've looked in to that, and still nothing."

Mark sighed, "I'm just sorry I've not been of more help to the investigation."

"Dad, we've all had a lot on our minds this last week or so." Steve reassured him, a small smile suddenly appeared on the Lieutenant face, "You know it's funny, but right now I'd do anything to be searching around some place for clues, only to find Jesse snooping around there as well."

"You know, that reminds me, I really should be getting back to the Hospital." Mark started to gather his things together, "Care to join me?"

The Lieutenant suddenly looked very uneasy, "Oh, I uh...need to head down to the Station."

"Avoiding Jesse isn't going to help Son."

"Must you always read me like a book?"

"Hey, it's what parents do." Mark smiled.

"Yeah? Well it's annoying." Despite his words, Steve's tone was light.

Mark chuckled, "I'll see you later. Oh and Steve, promise me you'll stop by the Hospital and visit Jesse later, when you're done at the Station."

Steve smiled, "I promise."

* * *

><p>Steve was just pulling up to the Station when his cellphone rang, he took a look at the caller I.D and smiled, "Dad I need time to at least start working before I get a chance to visit..."<p>

"Jesse checked himself out of the Hospital, he said he was going home," Mark got straight to the point, "I'm with Amanda in his apartment now, there's no sign of him, and according to one of his neighbours, they haven't seen him for over a week."

Steve shut his eye's tight, how could this be happening again?

"Steve?" His fathers voice was tinged with concern.

"I'll drive round, see if I can find him," He turned his car around, "Tell me exactly what happened."

When Mark had relayed everything that Nurse Bernard had told him, it only succeeded in increasing the Lieutenant's worry; his friend wasn't acting like himself.

Steve sighed, "I'll call you if I find him."

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes or so had past before Steve had caught sight of his friend, walking unsteadily across from a park, that was only a twenty minute walk away from the Hospital, although it had obviously taken the young Doctor considerably longer.<p>

Steve drove up along side the young Doctor slowly, noticing how exhausted he looked, "Jesse, what are you doing?"

The sound of his friend's voice made the young Doctor jump, "I'm not running away," He said quickly, as though he might be chastised, "I told the Nurse I was going home."

"So, you're walking all the way home?" The Lieutenant couldn't help but smile at how innocent Jesse sounded, "You do realise that you're apartment is in the opposite direction, right?"

"I know that," He appeared sluggish, "I'm going to your house to get my wallet...then I can pay for a cab home."

Noting that his friend looked like he could fall over at any minute, Steve opened the passenger door, "Jess, get in." He ordered softly.

"Are we going to the Beach House to get my wallet?" The young Doctor asked as he slumped down in to the passenger seat.

"Yeah...something like that."

Steve took out his cellphone and called his father, letting him know that apart from acting a little disorientated, and looking exhausted, their friend seemed OK. When he hung up, Jesse was pouting.

"We're not going to your house, are we?"

"Sorry Jess, but my Dad's worried about you, he just wants to check you over, make sure you're alright."

The pair sat in comfortable silence for a while, as they drove the short distance to Community General Hospital. As they approached the parking lot, Steve broke the silence, making no attempt to get out of the car.

"Hey Jess, about what I said before, I didn't..."

"You were right." Jesse interrupted, the short rest in the car allowing his earlier confusion to disperse enough to have a more lucid conversation.

"No." Steve replied quickly, "What I said was wrong, and I didn't even mean it...Jesse, I'm really sorry."

"Don't be," The young Doctor managed to muster up a small smile for the sake of his friend, "I keep saying stuff I don't mean too." He suddenly looked quite distressed, "I just...don't wanna feel like this anymore." A stray tear escaped and ran down his cheek; he quickly wiped it away, hoping that the Lieutenant hadn't noticed.

Steve squeezed his friend's shoulder, "Hey, I tell you what," He said softly, "If you promise to stay in the Hospital until my Dad says you're ready to leave, then I'll promise to come up with some way of punishing you, OK?"

Jesse nodded, "OK." Although it wasn't like it was going to be a hard promise to keep, not when the Nurses were after him, in fact, Jesse wasn't convinced he'd ever get out of there again.

* * *

><p>Steve paced up and down impatiently, waiting anxiously for news on Jesse. There was something about the last few days that made the Lieutenant feel uneasy; he'd come so close to losing his friend so many times in the past week, that he was scared of even letting Jesse out of his sight. As his mind went back to that night, when he'd spotted his friend standing in the water, he started to wonder again whether the young Doctor really was just having an innocent stroll in a bid to help himself sleep.<p>

His contemplations were cut short, when he saw his Father approaching, "How is he?"

"Well, the walk did nothing to help his injuries," Mark began, "but other than that, and exhaustion, Jesse should be fine...physically. Amanda's with him now."

"That's it!" Steve grinned, "I know How we can punish Jesse."

"What?" The sudden change of conversation and mood caught Mark off guard, "How?"

Steve didn't answer, he seemed too preoccupied with his own thoughts as he started to walk towards Jesse's room; his father following close behind, "But we're gonna need Amanda's help..."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6.**

"I'm not so sure about this Steve, what if it doesn't work?" Amanda just wasn't convinced, "It could leave Jesse feeling even guiltier than he already does." She turned to her wiser friend, "What do you think Mark?"

He gave a heavy sigh, "Honestly, if it doesn't work, I can't see it making that much of a difference anyway," It was the truth, and it pained him, "I think this is the best option we've got."

"Amanda, this will work," The Lieutenant seemed so sure of himself, and for the most part he was; in fact, he didn't know why he hadn't come up with it in the first place, after all, to anyone who knew their friend, this seemed like such an obvious way to 'punish' him, "and if it doesn't, then I take full responsibility."

She studied her friends for a while; Steve was so convinced it would work, and if Mark thought it was their best option, then it probably was, "OK, I'll do it."

Amanda approached Jesse's room reluctantly, knowing full well that once she entered, Mark and Steve would be eavesdropping from outside. Taking a deep breath she opened the door; it was showtime.

"Hey Honey, how are you feeling?"

"Better than before."

"That's good." She gave a half-hearted attempt at a smile.

Jesse frowned in concern, "What's wrong?"

She took a seat at the edge of his bed, "You know, right now the most important thing is that you get better."

Jesse didn't like the way she avoided the question, and there was no way he was going to let it drop, "Amanda."

With a sigh, she 'gave in', "I've just, been thinking a lot lately, about everything that's happened over this past week...and the fact that you feel responsible for Harriette James' death."

"I've already been through this with Steve," The young Doctor spoke softly, being careful not to be the cause of another 'heated discussion' with one of his friends, "nothing you say is gonna make me feel any less to blame."

"It's not that," She turned away, pausing for a moment before continuing, "If you really are to blame...then that means I must be too."

The young Doctor stared at her in sheer confusion; what possible reason would Amanda have for connecting herself with the little girls death? He just had no idea where she was coming from, "How?"

"Isn't it obvious?" She started, "I was the one who told you to go home in the first place," Her voice started to crack, "Don't you see, If I'd just let you stay, like you wanted to, none of this would have happened." She buried her head in her hands, "If anyone should be punished, it should be me."

"Amanda no..." Jesse couldn't stand the fact that his friend felt responsible, when he knew she wasn't, "How can any of this be your fault?" He sat up and put his hand on her shoulder, "You weren't even there."

"What difference does that make?" Amanda challenged as she turned to face him, "You weren't there when the IV's were tampered with, yet you still blame yourself for Harriette's death."

He took his hand off her shoulder, and looked down at his bedclothes, "That's...different."

"How?"

"I..." He started to answer the question, but then realised he couldn't.

"Honey, can you really have it both ways?" When he didn't reply, she continued, "Surely the same must go for both of us, right?"

After listening to everything she'd just said, Jesse could see now that his friends had been right all along; he'd known instantly that Amanda blaming herself for something she had no control over made no sense, and now he realised blaming himself didn't either. However, the young Doctor had become so accustomed to feelings of self-loathing and guilt, it would be hard to just let those feelings go.

It had been so long since Jesse had said anything, Amanda was beginning to worry that her initial doubts had been right; studying her friend, she tried to pick out any tell-tale signs that would give her a clue as to what was going on inside his mind, but she couldn't find any.

Jesse eventually broke the silence, whispering a heart-felt, "Thank you."

* * *

><p>After Jesse's conversation with Amanda the previous day, his friends had noticed a change for the better in him, although Mark, Steve and Amanda all knew it would take time for his emotional wounds to heal. Despite now knowing that the young girls death was not his fault, Jesse still couldn't shake the feeling of guilt; he knew there was still something he needed to do before he could let the guilt go, but the problem was, he didn't know what.<p>

Whilst giving Jesse one last check over before releasing him, Mark told the young Doctor of an idea he had, of getting Tringdle to admit to the murders. He hoped that tying-up that loose end would alleviate his friends guilt.

"I'm not sure Mark..." Usually the young Doctor would jump at the chance to help, but he needed time to readjust, "I just don't feel ready yet."

Mark couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, but he wasn't going to push his friend in to anything he didn't want to do.

"Have you considered the possibility that the guilt you feel may be due to a different matter?" Amanda looked towards the Nurses Station, "Perhaps if you just talk to her..."

Jesse followed Amanda's gaze, "I hadn't thought of that."

"OK, I think that's everything," Mark smiled once he was satisfied that Jesse would be OK, "are you sure you don't want to stay at the Beach House a while longer?"

"I'm sure...but thanks for the offer."

"Well, at least you can drive yourself home this time." Steve smirked as he handed Jesse's car keys over.

"Very funny." Jesse rolled his eyes as he retrieved the keys; then braced himself for what was to come, "Well, wish me luck..."

As the young Doctor made his way over to the Nurses Station, he could feel every single sinister stare burn a hole right through him. The Nurses all hated him, he knew it.

"Excuse me, Nurse Bernard..." He couldn't keep the nerves out of his voice.

She peered over the computer she was working at, "Yes Doctor Travis?"

"Yesterday...what I said, about me being a Doctor and you being a Nurse. I didn't mean to...I mean, I really respect what you Nurses do, and..." Jesse could tell from her face that he was rambling, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry." He lowered his head, "Although, I would understand if you and the other Nurses find it too hard to forgive me."

"Why would the other Nurses even need to forgive you?" She asked in confusion, "There was only the two of us there."

Jesse looked up in shock, "You mean you didn't tell them?"

"Dr Travis, I was working as a Nurse long before you started your Intern-ship at Community General, and I know by now that Doctors make terrible patients," Nurse Bernard replied dismissively, "If us Nurses were to take offense every time a Doctor was admitted, Doctors and Nurses would be forever at war." She gave him a kind smile, "Trust me, there's no apology necessary."

* * *

><p>When talking to Nurse Bernard didn't help relieve his guilt, Jesse decided that another apology was in order. Steve watched from his car, as his friend knelt down in front of Harriette James' grave. The young Doctor hadn't even give getting back behind the wheel a thought, until he got into his own car, when the images of crashing in to the young girl bombarded his mind; he was sure he'd never be able to drive again.<p>

"I still can't believe she's gone."

Jesse jumped at the females voice, "Sorry," He stood up, "I should go."

"Don't...Please," She put her hand on his arm, then moved it away when he looked at it, "I'd like to talk...well, apologise actually."

"Apologise?" What did Mrs James have to apologise for? The young Doctor wondered.

"Yes, for lying to the Police about what I saw," She avoided eye contact, "there was no way I could see you from where I was, and there was no way you could have avoided..." Mrs James' face was full of guilt, "Harry just ran out straight in front of you." A tear rolled down her face, "I was too busy taking a business call to watch my little girl...and now she's gone."

Jesse put his hand on her shoulder awkwardly, "Hey, this is not your fault."

She looked up at him, "It doesn't matter how many times people tell you that, or even if you know it's true...does it?" She looked at him, and in that moment he knew he'd found someone who felt the same, "The 'knowing' is one thing, but it's the believing that matters, and neither of us believe," She started to cry, "I'm the one to blame for the way you feel, and I'm so sorry about that."

"Mrs James, the only person to blame here is the killer," Jesse looked towards Steve, "my friend's a cop, they have an idea who the murderer is, and trust me, they're doing everything they can to catch him."

"I'm sure that if whoever killed my little girl gets punished, then I'll start to believe that it wasn't my fault," She suddenly grabbed Jesse's arm, "Please, they need to find whoever did this, for both our sakes."

"They'll catch him, you have my word." Jesse stayed with Mrs James a while, to make sure she was OK, before heading back to Steve and getting in to his car. As Steve was driving away, Jesse turned to him, "I've changed my mind, I'm in."

* * *

><p>Frank Tringdle smirked, "If you had any proof 'Lieutenant', then we wouldn't be stood here having this conversation right now," The tall, bronze haired man leant against the front of his desk and folded his arms, looking and feeling very smug with himself, "so why don't you and your little friend there just run a long now, and get out of my office?"<p>

"You can smirk all you want Tringdle, but I know you did it and I won't stop digging until you're behind bars, where you belong!" Steve sneered, "Come on Jesse, let's go." The Lieutenant started to pull his subdued friend away.

"No!" the young Doctor shouted out suddenly, pulling away from his friend and pointing at Tringdle, "He did it...you know that, and you're just gonna let him go?"

"Jess, we'll get him, you have my word."

Tringdle snickered.

"What part of all this is so funny Mr Tringdle?" Jesse demanded, "Is it the part were you tampered with five random IV's?" The fury was evident in the young Doctors voice, "Or the part where you killed four innocent people?"

"Nice try Dr Travis, but playing the guilt card won't work with me."

"A nine year old girl died because of you, and you're amused by it all." Jesse pulled Steve's handgun out of it's holster, before his friend even had chance to react, and pointed it at Tringdle, "You killed her, admit it!"

"Jesse, what are you doing?" Steve put his hand on his holster, and looked at the gun in his friends hand.

"Now, now Dr Travis, we both know you're not going to shoot me." He stood upright.

Jesse took the safety off the gun, "You take a step forward, and I swear I'll..."

"Jess come on, he's not worth it," The Lieutenant kept his voice as calm as possible, "just pass me the gun."

"He killed her, he deserves to pay!"

"He did and you're right, but this isn't the way." Steve took a step towards his friend, and held out his hand, "Now just give me the..."

"No!" Jesse screamed, turning to Steve, his finger squeezing the trigger.

Steve's face contorted in pain, and when in his shock he made another grab for the gun, the young Doctor shot him again. The smirk was wiped right off Frank Tringdle's face, as he stared down at Steve's corpse; he knew he had to get out of there.

"Steve..." Jesse gasped, as the Lieutenant lay lifelessly on the ground, with two bullet wounds to the chest, "What have I..." The young Doctor stopped suddenly, when he heard Tringdle trying to get away and pointed the gun up at him, "He was my best friend," His voice and body shook, "so just think about what I'll do to you." He stepped forward, "You were the one who murdered those patients, admit it, you killed Harriette James!"

"Harriette who?" Frank Tringdle's eyes widened in terror as Jesse started to pull the trigger, "OK, OK I confess, I did it!" He sighed in relief when Jesse relaxed his finger.

"Why?"

"Because Warren Bates was our biggest sponsor and Community General stole him from us." Tringdle spat, "So I got my hands on a wide selection of drugs, tampered with five of your precious Hospitals IV's, and used them to poison 5 patients, so Community General Hospital's reputation would be ruined."

"Frank Tringdle, you're under arrest for the murders of Albert Martin, Felicity Arnolds, Scott Davis, Harriette James; and for the attempted murder of Rich Nicholas..."

Mark walked in, followed by two officers, who detained a stuttering Tringdle, "But you're...I mean, he shot..."

"Anything you say or do, can, and will be used against you in a court of Law..."

As Steve continued reading him his rights, Tringdle turned to Jesse, "You used blanks."

Mark went over to Jesse, and the young Doctor passed him his wire.

"Take him away." And on Steve's command, the Officers did just that. As they led Tringdle away, Steve got up and opened his shirt to reveal a vest, "Twice?" He looked down at where the blanks hit, "Jess, you do realise that blanks hurt too, right?" The Lieutenant frowned when he saw his friend staring down at the gun, "Jesse?"

"He did it." Jesse turned to Steve, with surety in his voice, "He killed her."

Steve gently prised the gun from his friends hands, "Yeah Jess, he did."

* * *

><p><em>2 Weeks later...<em>

"Jesse, what the hell are you doing here?" Steve demanded.

Jesse immediately stopped his snooping, and looked up at the Lieutenant, smiling as innocently as possible, "Oh, hey Steve...I found these." He held up some incriminating photo's.

Steve grabbed them off him, "Where did you find these?"

"They were in the safe."

Steve raised an eyebrow, "How did you get them?"

"I broke in." The young Doctor smiled proudly, "It was pretty easy actually, I just..." He stopped when he saw the look on Steve's face, "What?"

"You do realise that without a warrant, all this evidence is worthless now, right?"

"Really?"

"Really." Steve gave the young Doctor a stern look, "Jess, get out of here before you destroy any more evidence."

"But Steve, I..."

"Out!"

The young Doctor pouted, and uttered a few words under his breath before leaving the apartment. As Steve saw Jesse getting in to his car and driving away, he smiled; his friend was back.

**The End.**

* * *

><p>AN - Thank you for reading, and for all the kind reviews.


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